It’s the week after a big blockbuster in “Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness,” and you know that means: I’m going to review a movie that was absolutely trampled at the box office. There may be some respectable finalists during busy holiday seasons, but it’s very rare that anything worthwhile opens up right after that May first weekend extravaganza, especially when the MCU is involved.

Make no mistake, Universal sent this movie to die, its only audience consisting of people who “must” see a movie every week (people like me, think about it). And being sent to die is exactly the kind of release this film deserves.

The film is based on a Stephen King novel about a girl with telekinetic powers that can cause deadly destruction when emotionally triggered. Not “Carrie”, another, though I can’t help but think that giving the main character a name of about two letters won’t make it any less derivative.

11-year-old Charlie (Ryan Kiera Armstrong) can start fires with her mind when she wants to, and sometimes when she doesn’t. It’s basically the opposite problem as the main character of a certain kids movie, and yes, I sarcastically sang “Let It Go” a few times while watching this garbage.

The adults in Charlie’s life don’t know what to do with her. Her father Andy (Zac Efron), who himself has limited mind control powers, wants her to remove his power. Her mother Vicky (Sydney Lemmon) wants her to learn how to use it responsibly.

Shady corporate guy Hollister (Gloria Reuben) wants to weaponize her. Dr. Wanless (Kurtwood Smith) wants to kill her because she’s just too dangerous. All things considered, I think I agreed the most with Wanless. Are you happy, movie? You
convinced me that it was better for the little girl to die.

Hollister sends the assassin Rainbird (Michael Greyeyes) to abduct Charlie, with the parents’ lives a “secondary concern”. Soon, Charlie and Andy are on the run, with Andy quickly realizing that deletion will no longer be an option.

They hitchhike with reluctant farmer Irv (John Beasley) in a sequence that’s supposed to warm the heart, but really makes me wonder why Andy used his mind control powers to trick Irv into taking them instead. to give it to them. his truck.

The whole thing ends in a top-secret facility where Charlie completely shines the wrong lesson from a previous story, the one Andy told him earlier about taking lives.

Among the many things wrong with this movie is that the fires started by Charlie just aren’t scary. Explosions are one thing, but fires that break out don’t have the same impact.

That’s why I was so disappointed in this 2018 “Halloween” update when Jamie Lee Curtis chose to burn down his house instead of blowing it up. The fires in this movie leave grotesque burns, but the makeup is so unconvincing that I doubt they’ll register as traumatic.

It’s hard to think of anything positive to say about “Firestarter,” from the acting to the script to the action and the film’s need to exist. Ooh, I loved the score, with contributions from original “Halloween” director/composer John Carpenter.

But this movie is terrible on almost every other level. If you really want to see it, it’s playing in theaters and streaming on Peacock. But it’s definitely not worth your money, and even if you consider streaming “free”, it still isn’t worth your time.

Rating: D

“Firestarter” is rated R for violent content. Its operating time is 94 minutes.

Contact Bob Garver at [email protected]