The Goldpanners End Their Road Trip and Why I Don’t Eat Pickles | Sports
I’ve always been a picky eater, but my everyone’s favorite food has always been pickles.
The look, feel, smell and taste of pickles makes my face look crooked. To give a visual, imagine someone telling you that Creed and Nickleback just made a great group and what your face might look like upon receiving this information. Now imagine that look on my face. This is what pickles have always made me feel.
In 2018, I tried to put aside my prejudices against pickles. There were only two things I would do this for: Saints winning the Super Bowl or a date with a pretty lady. In this case, it was the latter.
She had worked in a cafe I frequented and upon hearing that she was leaving for another job, I finally got her number. We got together for lunch where I found out she was vegan. I am primarily a carnivore, but I have decided to keep this information to myself. I ordered a sa-lad or whatever their name is and she ordered something with almonds and we went for lunch.
Then she started taking a bite of a pickle and told me that there was “literally” no food that she loved more than pickles.
I was lost. He was a deal breaker as far as I was concerned. I once dated a girl who was wearing socks and sandals and gave her a pass, but this girl had gone too far. A man must have a code and this woman wants me to break it.
Then I remembered that this was the first date I had in nine months and thought I should be willing to compromise. So she liked pickles. I liked the last season of Game of Thrones. Nobody is perfect.
Then she told me it tasted so good I “had to” try it.
No. It can’t happen. I’m on an episode of MTV’s Punk’d. Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere in this trendy restaurant in the Marigny neighborhood of New Orleans, waiting to pounce on me. How did I end up in this difficult situation?
Still, I remembered that I hadn’t had a pickle since I was 11. . Most importantly, I remembered that this was my first date in nine months and this girl was totally out of my league so I shouldn’t be picky.
So I did. I ate a bite of pickle. At that point, I knew what Conan O’Brien felt about NBC: utter disgust. My face contorted, I leaned over and felt closer to death than Keith Richards ever was. Still, I knew I had to keep my cool. So with teary eyes, hunched shoulders, and a face that was screaming “HELP!” I threw my thumb up on my date, nodded and mumbled, “Mm, good. “
She knew I was lying, but I felt she appreciated that I was willing to put my prejudices aside and eat adventurous for her. Despite all the pain I endured, I felt like I had done the right thing.
Then she never called me back. Never took my calls. Never replied to my texts. This girl fell from the face of the Earth like she was Tony Romo in the playoffs. Was it because I didn’t like pickles? Not likely, but I still blame the pickles.
That brings us to this week’s Hart of the Matter: There’s an introduction to Pickle Ball this Saturday from 1 p.m. to 3 p.m. at Rink Two at the Big Dipper Ice Arena. Although the sport is mainly played by the senior community, everyone is welcome to come for free. 80 people had already signed up to come as of this writing, so make sure you get there early.
There are a lot of sports this week that don’t go by the name of food. The Alaska Goldpanners stay on the road, but longer. This week marks the end of the Panners’ two-week trip as they complete a quick three-game tour across the state. The Goldpanners will start playing in Chugiak on Tuesday for a game at 7 p.m. before heading to Mat-Su on Wednesday for another game at 7 p.m. They will end the week with a game at 7 p.m. Thursday in Anchorage before returning to Fairbanks. All games can be streamed live on PannerVision’s YouTube channel.
Fairbanks Soccer Club will also be back in action as they travel to Anchorage to take on the Alaska Timbers. The men’s team took the win over the Timbers at home in the first week of the season while the women’s team fell the same week. They will have the opportunity to replay this Saturday as the men’s match kicks off at 1:30 p.m. and the women’s match will follow.
Finally, gravel racing returns after a week-long hiatus at Mitchell Raceway. This Friday is Military Appreciation Night in Mitchell with the races scheduled to start at 7 p.m. Mitchell Raceway is located at 4075 Peger Road.
Unless there’s something I don’t know, that’s it for this week. Thanks for coming to Hart of the Matter with me. If I forget something, I just treat it the same way I treat pickles.
Contact sports reporter Hart Pisani at 459-7530 or follow him at twitter.com/FDNMSports.